Every Stitch and Hem

24. August 2014

It’s scary to me
how all this time,
all these years,
I allowed myself to believe the media.
I was consumed by the idea of the size 00 being pefection.
Up until now, today, I believed anything over a size 2 was
unacceptable. Awful, disgusting, large, FAT.
Now I realized that the measurements of a US 2 is as follows:
why did I ever allow myself to believe that a 26” waist was associated with ‘fat’ or ‘large’?!
How did I even THINK that a 23” waist was relavitivly normal,
and WHY did I think my 23” waist wasn’t good enough, that it needed to be 20”.

Ana is scary, terrifying.
She comes without notice or reason.
Takes you down and smothers you.
Consumes you whole.
You become Anas project, and Ana becomes your project.
You love each other.
The thought of you ever parting or being away from Ana puts you in a panic.
Where would you be without the self control?!
People look up to you for your willpower!
Your self control..

But does anyone actually take notice?
Does anyone notice the determination you have?
The devotion..?
Does anyone even care?
You spend days and days
and weeks and weeks
starving and crying
hitting and cutting
kicking and screaming…
All for a mere 5 pounds lost
there and here.

Does anyone notice the things that you notice?
Do they see what you see?
Are you actually crazy or do they just tell you that?
Do they just tell you you’re thin because they know your ‘condition’.
Do they just tell you they don’t notice the cellulite
so they don’t pinch a nerve?

It seems we will never know,
whether or not you see what I see.
Because you’re always tip-toeing around my feelings.
But please dear, I have close to none
so stop trying to spare them.

Can someone be dead but living at the same time?
The thought of zombies existing would’ve never crossed my mind before.
But now, seeing you so dull
so lifeless.
No feelings, none at all.
No joy, laughter, sympathy, love, nothing is there.
The only feelings you show is towards Ana when you feel you have failed.
Anger, frustration, sadness.
With those feelings follows depression, anxiety, bipolar…

You’re spiralling down.
Deeper and deeper,
you’re digging your grave.
You told Ana since day one
you’d do anything to be perfect.
Even if that means dying.

Dying to be thin…

Dead girls are thinner, afterall.

Anonymous: How do u feel


Anonymous: R u alive


17. June 2014

The mirror scares me lately
I don’t like who I am becoming
Or who I’ve been these past few weeks

Weeks, weeks, I’m becoming weak.
Weaker in my actions
Weaker in my thoughts
Please don’t eat

Have I failed?
Have I not failed myself, my disease, but everyone around me?

All I wanted was to disappear
From everything
From all that I fear
I wanted to waste away into the ocean
And disintegrate into the sea

Sea, sea, see what you’ve done?
You’re a pig
All you do is fail, and eat and eat
Go ahead, dig
Dig your hole a little deeper

I’m torn apart
My heads a mess
As well as my apathetic heart

I keep turning towards the mirror
Repeating “this is not ok”
Because that’s all I can make out
Hitting, punching, screaming
Anything to punish myself for what I’ve become

Here’s to you, ana
You win….

El fin

I want to love someone again so bad
and honestly, that scares me.

This morning I woke up so dehydrated from taking so many laxatives daily that I couldn’t walk straight. I was running into everything. I felt like I was drunk.

I just ate and now I feel like I am going to be so sick in a matter of minutes.

You win again, Ana.

I hate how I let you effect my whole mood and night.

"If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo never let them go"

Matthew Gray Gubler (via letlovefindyou33)

(via ohdoe)

Sometimes I play out different scenarios in my head on what it’s going to be like when you leave me.

Anonymous: I just came across your most recent post, and wow.. did you write that? I relate to that so much and when I read it.. idk, it just really struck something in me.

I did.
I’m really happy someone could relate to it, that’s incredible.
Stay strong, you’re not alone xo.